Sending Out an SOS

Greetings from the outpost!

I finally limped my way to an internet cafe and am able to post. Things are pretty cool here except for the hole in the ground bathrooms and ever present dust. The people are very friendly and helpful. Definitely got the backwoods feel but thats the type of raw atmosphere i needed. Just drinking bottled water and eating hot food only/

Will try to post before heading back to gotham at the end of next week. i should be back on my good old computer for daily posts by 09 Jan. Sorry for not being very creative with this one but my brain is a little foggy and exhaustion is setting in. Have a great new years and enjoy that running water and 24 hour electricity kids!

The Novels by Chetan Davé click here

Research Trip

Off to India soon
For research on next novel
Fly next to the moon
Hope to blog real soon

20 hour flight
2 days
and 2 nights
(Unfortunately) It's the quickest way

Be there for a couple weeks
Will search for computer first
Satisfy the internet freak
And the blogfirst thirst

Will try to post
As often as I can
With the most
From the outpost

Stay tuned...

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Chetan Dave Chetan Dave Chetan Dave
HOLIDAY GIFT IDEA: The Novels by Chetan Davé click here
Chetan Dave Chetan Dave Chetan Dave
HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ONE AND ALL.

Copyright 2005 by Chetan Davé ©, All Rights Reserved.

Menu, Please

From the tips and tricks department:

I recently encountered a situation where a restaurant that I had been to many a times previously, suddenly and without warning, changed it's whole menu. What's up with that? And their business was good, so I don't see the rationale for the shift.

You know how it is in a place that you frequent. You've already experimented over the course of a few years on what works and what doesn't. You have your set lineup, in which there are quality backups, and of course a robust first team.

So now they hand me a menu with what appears to be rocket ships and so many fancy colors I would need 3-D glasses just to make out what's going on. Obviously the person in charge either stopped taking their medication or spilled their management skills down the drain.

After glancing over the menu with the assortment of "new" items, I asked the waiter if I could order my old favorites from the previous menu and he said "Yes."

Whew! Good thing I have those memorized.

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Chetan Dave Chetan Dave Chetan Dave
HOLIDAY GIFT IDEA: The Novels by Chetan Davé click here
Chetan Dave Chetan Dave Chetan Dave
Copyright 2005 by Chetan Davé ©, All Rights Reserved.

It's All Mathematical

I've heard a lot of people (mostly mathmeticians) say that math can be used to explain most everything in the world. Okay, I'll give it a shot:

Inbox + New Mail = feeling of self worth

job - boss = peace

people + money = trouble

bullfighter - bull = party clown (think about it, in what other social situation could a person wear a bullfighting outfit and keep a straight face?)

desert + sweat = diet

dance club - techno = singles event

dentist's office + anything = pain

holiday - job = smile

sugar + anything = fun

income - taxes = frown

construction paper + child = destruction paper (that's what makes childhood fun)

pirate - ship = peasant

Here's an advanced one: travel + local water - medicine + herbal tea - clean cup = upset stomach

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Chetan Dave Chetan Dave Chetan Dave
HOLIDAY GIFT IDEA: The Novels by Chetan Davé click here
Chetan Dave Chetan Dave Chetan Dave
Copyright 2005 by Chetan Davé ©, All Rights Reserved.

Pregnant Freefall

Too amazing not to post this story:
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SILOAM SPRINGS, Ark. (AP) - Shayna Richardson was making her first solo skydiving jump when she had trouble with her parachutes and, while falling at about 50 mph, hit face first in a parking lot.

Although badly hurt, she survived — and doctors treating her injuries discovered she was pregnant. Four surgeries and two months later, Richardson said she and the fetus are doing fine.

"Just this last week we went and saw the doctor and we've got arms, we've got legs. We've got a full face. The baby is moving around just fine. The heart rate looks good. So not only did God save me but he spared this baby," she said.

Richardson, 21, of Joplin, Mo., was skydiving in Siloam Springs on Oct. 9 when her main parachute failed.

"I heard a snap and I started spinning and I didn't know why. I didn't know what to do to fix it. I didn't know how to make it stop," Richardson told Fort Smith, Ark., television station KFSM.

She cut away her primary chute so her reserve could deploy, but it didn't open all the way. She spun out of control, heading straight for the asphalt below.

"At the end I said, 'I'm going to die. I'm going to hit the ground. I'm going to die,'" she said. "I don't remember it. I don't remember hitting the ground. I don't remember the impact or anything that came with it."

Rescuers got her to a hospital in Fayetteville, where Richardson underwent surgery. She broke her pelvis in two places, broke her leg, lost six teeth and now has 15 steel plates.

"I went into the first surgery where they cut me from ear to ear and they cut my face down and they took out all the fractured egg-shelled bones and put in steel plates," Richardson said.

During treatment, doctors found that Richardson was pregnant, which was a surprise to her. She said she would not have jumped had she known.

"To hit the ground belly first — that's dangerous. I mean at any stage of pregnancy that's dangerous. That's not something you want to do let alone at 50 miles per hour," Richardson said.

Her fall was videotaped and Richardson said she was able to watch it, without qualms.

"I wanted to watch it," said Richardson. "And the whole reason I'm comfortable with watching it because I know how it ends."

Richardson said her due date is June 25. She plans to make her next parachute jump in August.
-------------------------------------------------

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Chetan Dave Chetan Dave Chetan Dave
HOLIDAY GIFT IDEA: The Novels by Chetan Davé click here
Chetan Dave Chetan Dave Chetan Dave
Copyright 2005 by Chetan Davé ©, All Rights Reserved.

Giftcycling

One of the byproducts of the Holiday Season is the recycling of gifts or "giftcycling" (just one of the many terms available to describe this practice). Like it or not, it's here to stay. And the thing about it is, when we are commiting this act, we feel proud that we saved a few bucks, and hey, maybe this person will actually like it. Yet, when we find out that we are victims of giftcycling, we're all offended like a major crime has been perpetrated on us. Gotta love human nature.

Here is a list of some awful gifts that are sure to be accepted with hearty, sincere smiles this month and then unceremoniously given to someone else within the next 6 months:

1. Barrel of chocolate covered pretzels (with ribbon on top)
2. Flower vase
3. A glass dish/bowl with a shape so bizarre, you can't figure out what to use it for
4. A cardigan (that will have to be post mailed back to the year 1986)
5. Picture frame
6. Tin of butter cookies (manufactured at least 3 decades ago)
7. Christmas tree ornament (gee thanks I didn't have enough of these already)
8. Gothic door knocker (a.k.a. a spooky gargoyle for you to manually install on your front door)
9. Hand gloves (my favorite) with or without matching scarf
10. Miniature rock garden

Just wanted to prepare everybody. The hardest part of giftcycling is keeping track of which social circle the gift originated from and making darn sure to not give the gift to anyone remotely associated with that same circle again. I've seen that mistake happen and it's not pretty.

If circles collide, empires fall and chaos reigns. I think that's what did in the Romans. "I know for a fact that Anton gave Marcus that chariot freshener last year! The nerve of him to giftcycle it back to me. What, just because he put it back in the wrapper he thought I wouldn't notice?"

Feel free to add comments/suggestions or send to a friend!
Chetan Dave Chetan Dave Chetan Dave
HOLIDAY GIFT IDEA: The Novels by Chetan Davé click here
Chetan Dave Chetan Dave Chetan Dave
Copyright 2005 by Chetan Davé ©, All Rights Reserved.

Video Store Asylum

So the video store clerk puts down his cigar and says
What's it gonna be?
Wipe the sweat off your upper lip and say - Too many choices
Can't decide what to see

You been in here two hours
Is this how you get your kicks?
Just hovering like a chopper browsing the DVD forest
Rather than actually taking it home and seeing a flick?

The fate of the world
Depends on this selection
Not really
Just a two hour sensation

Heart races, palms sweat
Thoughts of childhood race through the mind
Is it worth seeing?
Let me read the summary for the fifth time

The cover looks appealing
But a friend of a friend said it wasn't good
But the critics said it can't miss
Who to trust I never understood

What if I take it home?
And the store is lifted by aliens and suddenly disappears?
They'll take away my membership
The realization of our Sci-Fi (Aisle 3) fears

SIDE STANZA IN TRIBUTE:
(Poor clerk
Your cigar left unfinished
When the spacelings came
And rendered you vanished)

Didn't want to shell out the big bucks
When it was in the theaters
I'll wait for it on video
Are famous last words

Videosyncrasies have driven many a person mad
There is of course a solution
It's just a movie for goodness sake
Bring it back and get another one!

Feel free to comment or send to a friend!
Chetan Dave Chetan Dave Chetan Dave
HOLIDAY GIFT IDEA: The Novels by Chetan Davé click here
Chetan Dave Chetan Dave Chetan Dave
Copyright 2005 by Chetan Davé ©, All Rights Reserved.

Not So Famous Words

These are possibly some lesser known quotes from historical figures:

"I knew this hat wasn't lucky. Do you think I can return it without the receipt?" -Napoleon

"This is so overrated. It still takes me a half hour to heat up my beans. Hey Lucy, how's the microwave experiment going?" -The caveman who discovered fire

"Huh. All this time I thought I was in India. This definitely was not clear in the guide. I will have to pen a strongly worded letter to Fodor's when all this is done." - Christopher Columbus

"I was just flashing my gang sign, you know giving a shoutout to my boyz. Then the hippies started copying me and ran with it for a couple of decades." - Winston Churchill

"If I ever have a great great great great great great great great great great great great grandson, I shall like to name him Dan and have him change his last name to Brown to avoid those nasty nepotism rumors." - Leonardo DaVinci to his lawyer while drafting up his will.

"Dude, I'm tired, I need a break. Can I take my two week vacation now? I promise I'll come back refreshed and ready to revolt again." - Vladimir Lenin a few months into the Revolution.

"Ughh, the voicemail again! Are you trying to avoid me? Don't make me flood your mobile with text messages!!" - Eva Braun

"Hey, at least my hat works as a water jug too. I can survive for days." - Indiana Jones on the prospect of falling a few hundred feet to the river off the rope bridge leading out of the Temple of Doom

"Circumnavigate? No thanks doc. I'm fine the way I am." - Magellan at his post voyage physical checkup.

"No Orville, I don't want to buy the 5 dollar headsets for the in-flight movie." - Wilbur Wright

Feel free to comment or send to a friend!
Chetan Dave Chetan Dave Chetan Dave
HOLIDAY GIFT IDEA: The Novels by Chetan Davé click here
Chetan Dave Chetan Dave Chetan Dave
Copyright 2005 by Chetan Davé, All Rights Reserved.

Top Banana

The banana is one of the most underrated fruits around. It's so utilitarian. You don't have to wash it or anything. It's one of the few foods where if it was lying on the street for a while, it would still be safe to eat. That peel is an impenetrable fortress against microbes, insects, and other hostile forces. Those dark spots that you see sometimes on the outside of the banana? That's not ripening. Those spots were caused by unsuccessful enemy ships who met their doom at the hands of the great yellow defenses. So, uh yeah, go ahead and eat it.

At office meetings, you can replace the laser pointer with the banana. Just grab that banana by the rugged stump hook on top and point that airplane engine looking bottom anywhere and you'll grab everyone's attention for sure. "Quiet! I'm holding the banana, I have the floor!"

Home security? Who need's Slomin? You can use peels as booby traps to trip potential intruders. There is video documentation courtesy of the cartoon channel to prove that this works. Best part? It's free.

And for those trying to quit smoking? I believe there may have been a magazine article describing how the natives on the island of Cocua Mau Mau actually smoked bananas in lieu of abundantly available contraband growing on the island. Yeah, they know what's up.

This next point is a little untamed so if you're faint of heart, you may want to skip over this. Now I've heard that in tropical vacation locales, a harvest of large bananas (read genetic engineering but I don't have proof of this) have been industriously converted into boats, and tourists (up to 6 at a time mind you) ride on these at moderate to high speeds slightly offshore......Wild....wild stuff.

The only drawback to this great fruit is that it doesn't contain seeds so I can't take a couple and start mass producing them in the back yard. I tell you, it's so hard to start a small business these days.

So let's raise a glass of banana daquiri to our distant cousin, the gorilla, who had it all figured out long before us.

Feel free to comment or send to a friend!

HOLIDAY GIFT IDEA: The Novels by Chetan Davé click here

Copyright 2005 by Chetan Davé, All Rights Reserved.

For Hesitant Holiday Wishers

I've come across some news stories about people getting in trouble for saying "Merry Christmas" instead of the all encompassing "Happy Holidays". What's the world coming to? If someone doesn't celebrate Christmas and they are told "Merry Christmas" how is that supposed to be offensive? What matters is that someone is wishing you well, and that should be appreciated. If you want to say Merry Christmas, just say it. Happy Chanukah? Go ahead. Happy Kwanzaa? Sure. Those are all fine. Right back atchya. At least someone's trying to be nice to you. But, if you still wish to be sterile and handsoffish on the holiday wish issue, here are some suggestions that (most likely) won't offend anybody:

1. Happy November-December
2. Good Arctic Season To You
3. May the Force Be With You
4. Top O' the Holidays To Ya!
5. Be Safe When You Hang Lights Outside Your Home
6. Merry Winter
7. You Wanna Buy Some Discount Wrapping Paper From Me?
8. Here's to Jolly Gifting
9. Don't Let the Snowballs Getchya
10. Happy Cold, Unforgiving Wind Resistance Months
11. Hope You Have a Happy and Merry Non-denominational Holidayistic Paranormal Event (A What?!)

Your comments and suggestions are welcome too!

HOLIDAY GIFT IDEA: The Novels by Chetan Davé click here

Copyright 2005 by Chetan Davé, All Rights Reserved.

Zoo Question

The animals in zoos get free food, free medical care, three or four different themed houses to live in, and never have to hold down a job, so I asked myself, am I on the right side of the cage?


HOLIDAY GIFT IDEA: The Novels by Chetan Davé click here

Copyright 2005 by Chetan Davé ©, All Rights Reserved.

Unwanted Auto Detailing

WARNING: ShakespeareaYoda English to follow:

Oh Dear Bird,

Why doth thou relieve thyself on my car?
I understand not
Is it because thou hast flown here from afar?
Or did my windshield cry out to you that X marks the spot?

You maketh me go to fair carwash
With wallet full of bullion in hand
Maketh me stand pondering at observation window
And spend money unplanned

Let it be known that your act was needed not
For I signed an accord with your kind
To give caring safe harbor to the bird eggs and/or hatchlings
In my yard should I find

Retaliate I shall not
But my faith in the accord is left shaken
I hereby call upon you, my avian lord
Henceforth, never to let fly upon my chariot such vile defecation.

Signed: Count Meannoyed of Dook upon Windshield

HOLIDAY GIFT IDEA: The Novels by Chetan Davé click here

Copyright 2005 by Chetan Davé ©, All Rights Reserved.

You Can't Catch Anything From a Cyberhug

In an effort to create even more technology dependent androids, I mean children, in today's world, we present to you the following passage concerning the "cyberhug". It has all the features of a real hug minus, you know, the really important part....umm....let me see.....THE PERSON?!

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SINGAPORE (Reuters) - Singapore scientists looking for ways to transmit the sense of touch over the Internet have devised a vibration jacket for chickens and are thinking about electronic children's pyjamas for cyberspace hugs.

A wireless jacket for chickens or other pets can be controlled with a computer and gives the animal the feeling of being touched by its owner, researchers at Nanyang Technological University (NTU) told Monday's edition of The Straits Times.

The next step would be to use the same concept to transmit hugs over the Internet, it said.
"These days, parents go on a lot of business trips, but with children, hugging and touching are very important," the paper quoted NTU Associate Professor Adrian David Cheok as saying.

NTU is thinking of a pyjama suit for children, which would use the Internet to adjust changes in pressure and temperature to simulate the feeling of being hugged. Parents wearing a similar suit could be "hugged" back by their children, the paper said.

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"Give us a cyberhug, love." just doesn't have the same ring to it does it? Hey folks, in my professional opinion, there is just no replacing a real hug.

HOLIDAY GIFT IDEA: The Novels by Chetan Davé click here

Copyright 2005 by Chetan Davé, All Rights Reserved. Chetan Dave