Interview with a Unicorn

I know I know. You may be asking "Hey? How did you manage to land an exclusive interview with a unicorn?" I'm going to be honest. It wasn't easy, there was a lot of back and forth between my people and his equine union agents. But it happened last week over a pot of cornmeal in a barn 30km outside Narnia. Here are some quotes that may or may not have been overheard from the unicorn chats:

1. "I have the extra edge when it comes to horse racing, but nobody calls me."
2. "Hey do you mind sanding my point while you're in here?"
3. "Is this thing on my head really called a corn?"
4. "No, I'm the kind without wings."
5. "Yeah all the pictures always have white ones but I'm brown, you got a problem with that?"
6. "We are all descendants of narwhals."
7. "No, I do not want to accept the ice breaker position in the Antarctic."
8. "I get a nice little pension from the circus."
9. "Sure, migraines are pretty common."
10. "Instead of high fives, we just high-corn each other."
11. "My calfhood dream has always been to take on the rhino one on one."

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Copyright 2006 by Chetan Davé ©, All Rights Reserved.

Tell Tell

Oh bank teller teller
Do tell
Cast your spell
And call to your window this hurried feller

Don't pretend to count your change
When I'm in a rush to rush your elevated desk
Cause I gotta be places; where? don't ask
Maybe at home or out on the range

It's strange
All the other tellers are busy
Even the one I kinda dig, Lizzie
Working the drive-thru window looking out at the rain

So are you gonna call me or not?
Or will you leave me standing wondering
My precious weekend pondering
If I'll ever leave this spot

Oh, now you gotta go in the back
That's real nice
Abandon me twice
To go check for the fiftieth time the vault's stack

And not helping are the other customers
Wagging their chins
Like they're at a bar or somethin'
Doing their best to tie up the other tellers

What's the matter?
Never spoken to a teller before?
A teller tells, how interesting is that to explore?
So be on your way people, shoo, scatter

Cause I'm in a hurry
Got places to go
Like out the door
Grinning, counting my paltry booty

Simple trip to the bank
Took an hour plus some
Cause you were as slow as a hibernating possum
Next week, I'll be back

So speed it up
Crack the whip
Oops I tripped
On the movie premiere rope

Feel like a dope
Looked like one too
I may want to blame this on you
For me there's no hope

Yes! finally the call
The short walk to you and the exchange of pleasantries
My previous thoughts masked by the smile you see
Just got places to be, that's all

Thanks! And you have a great weekend! (wink)

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Copyright 2006 by Chetan Davé ©, All Rights Reserved.

Sleeping Gill

I think when fish dive deep and disappear they are actually on the ocean floor sleeping. They just want us to keep thinking that they never need sleep. For domesticated fish (goldfish etc.), they can't wait for us to turn out the lights so they can hit the bowl floor. They've pulled the seaweed over our eyes.

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Copyright 2006 by Chetan Davé ©, All Rights Reserved.

Down the Well

The word "well" doesn't carry the same positive connotation as it used to. Maybe it never did. Even back in the day, people used to say "swell" instead of "well".

First of all, you don't hear people say "I'm well" or "I'm doing well" anymore unless they're being very formal. Usually when someone says they're well, they are saying that they are not quite done with a recent period when they weren't well, in terms of health or wealth.

So when you ask someone how they are doing and you hear "well", what people are trying to say to you is "Well, things aren't really that good, but I don't know you well enough to dump my problems on you."

It's actually not a bad term to use if you want to blow someone off. You say "I'm well" causing the conversation to hit the brakes and it's over. The most someone can come back with is "Oh that's good." See ya later!

When a doctor says, "The patient is doing well" what he/she really is saying is "It could go either way, I have no clue bro".

Now if some attaches a "very" to the "well", that's a whole different ballgame. That usually means they are sincerely doing great.

An "Oh" preceding "well" means they really don't care and they are trying to sound empathetic when they really could give a you know what. You may hear this after uttering the following sentence, "My car's engine just quit, I may have to junk it and get a new one."

...Yeah well!

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Copyright 2006 by Chetan Davé ©, All Rights Reserved.

Gene Machine

Genetic scientists should be searching for and eliminating human genes for the following traits:

1. Seriousness
2. Armpit hair
3. Road rage
4. Ear wax
5. Stage fear
6. Red/Pink eye
7. Envy
8. Rug burn
9. Cell phone addiction
10. Foot fungus

Commence research now.

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Eye Ya Buggin'

Red eye, red eye
I see you in the mirror
What the? Oh my!
How did you get here?

Look like I'm stoned
Too much time
With the videophone
And the keyboard shine

Where's the visine?
I can't be seen
No more monitor screen
I'm not a machine

Too much writing
And now my eyes are fighting
But the plot's so enticing
The characters are flying

Is it Halloween?
Cause I'm resembling
A wide-eyed zombie
Ready to trick or treat

Must shut down ocular office
No Tom & Jerry toothpicks please
Skipped breakfast
And I'm headed to pleasant seas

Cause it's a Friday sensation
And I know one and all
Dig the relaxation
Of sleep's curtain call

Holla Back!

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Peter Benchley

A silent tribute to Peter Benchley, the author most famous for writing Jaws, who passed away this week in Princeton, NJ.

Sportscasterbuilder and Curlers

You can usually tell where a sportscaster ranks in a network's pecking order by which events they're assigned to cover. The hotshots are given primo events like figure skating, opening/closing ceremonies etc. while the gumshoes are given curling. The manager calls the commentator into his office and says with a wink "Hey John, you got bialthlon again. Very important. You're singlehandedly carrying the 2-4 am timeslot. I'll try to get you table tennis in Beijing in '08."

That's like being the kid who got assigned to sit next to the teacher on the bus during a four hour school field trip.

OK now you got me started on curling. I caught some of it (like I like to catch a cold) and saw some guys standing around in golf shirts, on the ice, but not wearing ice skates! I thought they were called hockey coaches. Winter Games and golf shirts? Hmmm... I don't want to knock curlers because obviously it takes a lot of shuffleboard skills accumulated through dozens of cruise vacations to do what they do, but this leads me to think that golf should be added to the Summer Games. Or croquet maybe...

How about we start another whole type of Olympics for relatively slow paced events like curling, golf, croquet, billiards, bocce, backgammon, scrabble, eating, breathing, batting an eyelid? Gotta go, feeling sleepy.

Thoughts? Comments?

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Copyright 2006 by Chetan Davé ©, All Rights Reserved.

The Car Locker

Ever come across a persistent car locker? You know the type. Constantly locking the car every ten minutes just to be sure. The best invention for this type of person was power locks. You can never be too safe. Stopped at a red light? Lock! Pulling out of the parking lot? Lock, Twice!

This is also the same person who, after they park their car, will click the security lock a minimum of 5 times just to make sure their auto is locked. They'll spin around repeatedly, crane their neck and check back at vast distances away from the car to see if they can make the lights flick on and off one more final time to get that last bit of visual assurance that their vehicle is locked properly.

Even at home, they'll coast by the front window every now and then and click once more to flash the lock lights. The real confusion begins when they start doubting themselves that they may have pressed the unlock button instead and then they enter a cycle of more clicks while looking down at their worn keychain to verify that they are in fact clicking on the lock button.

Thoughts? Comments?

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Snow Way

10 reasons to like snow:

1. Insect removal
2. Walking short distances in snow constitutes a workout
3. Car can be used as a bobsled
4. No school
5. Can use tennis rackets for shoes
6. Free car wash
7. Excuse to stay in and not spend any money
8. Things seem brighter for some reason
9. Dinosaur tracks can be easily identified
10. Pouring any liquid into snow creates instant abstract art


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Copyright 2006 by Chetan Davé ©, All Rights Reserved.

The Plural of Luge (Luges or Lugi?)

Today starts the Olympics
The winter kind
No gymnastics
Or equestrian rides

Some questions left open
Like who won the opening ceremonies?
Or what's the angle of the ski course sloping?
Can Samaranch still see?

View the brightly colored clothing
Of the volunteers and figure skaters
And the speed skating outfits that prevent breathing
The hockey goalie should get his helmet from Darth Vader

Some events should be included
Like snow tubing
And 8 person reverse bobsled
And of course snowman building

The eskimos are left ignored
They probably have the most winter skills
Most adapted to ice living and fjords
Can fly across the frigid landscape without taking a spill

Anyway, here's a tribute to those
Left out of the Olympics shadow
Or those who return with no medals to show
Santa still loves you, he told me so.
(If you believe that, I'll tell you another one)

Comments?

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Shameless plug of the day: Check out this Olympics Book




Copyright 2006 by Chetan Davé ©, All Rights Reserved.

Grammy Odds and Ends

Why do they call it the Grammy? The award is shaped like a phonograph so they should call it a Graphy or better yet, a Phony, in which case Milli Vanilli would be able to retain their trophy.

So U2 beat Mariah Carey 5-3. Hey that's no fair it's 4 on 1.

Magicians' Background Music and TV Show Themes should be added as categories next year.

There should be a playoff type awards Tournament of Champions where winners from different arts and entertainment disciplines face off against each other for an ultimate award.

Sly Stone made his first public appearance in 13 years. Thus the hairdo.

Can you believe this was Paul McCartney's first ever Grammy performance? Me neither.

There were rumors of i-Pod pirates or 'Irates' podcasting live from the show.

Comments welcome.

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Spinners

There's a big outcry to end the dependency on oil and find an alternate energy source. So why not utilize rodents? From what I hear, they're not too busy these days. Have them run on their little miniature treadmill/wheel to produce energy. This is something they like to do anyway so why not get some juice out of it? This, in addition to ridding the world of insects, will take rodents straight to the top and rid them of their less than stellar image. This is also a great PR project for anyone interested.

Comments welcome.

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Ahoy

Here are some things you didn't want to hear if you were a 15th century ship captain:

1. "Sir, we forgot the sails"
2. "West is that way right?"
3. "A mutiny is wrong only if anyone on land finds out about it."
4. "The plank is sanded and ready for use."
5. "The world is not flat, it's triangular."
6. "Ready for inward cannon practice, captain."
7. "The ocean's not really that deep is it?"
8. "I lit some of the wood on the deck 'cause it was getting cold at night."
9. "We don't HAVE to eat the porridge do we?"
10. "You look short in that hat."

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Ode to Cow

To have a cow is bliss
No more milk runs
No more having to miss
My TV show fun

No more lawn mowing
Clean pastures abound
All owing
To the cow that gets around

The backyard fence does its job well
Protecting neighbors and the cow
The snakes and rabbits vanished with no stories to tell
But don't know how

Could the cow be a predator?
Need I look over my shoulder?
For the agrarian terminator?
Come to think of it, your stares have grown bolder

Will you charge me like a bull one day
Like the tiger did to Roy?
No, no I'm just getting carried away
Hey, I never found out if you were a girl or a boy

You give so much
Never asking anything in return
Like a raise or bonus or such
Or more chum to be churned

I want a passport photo of you framed
Who else but you?
Let it be proclaimed
The word of the day is "moo"

As always...Comments welcome.

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Copyright 2006 by Chetan Davé ©, All Rights Reserved.

Posty Turvy

When preparing to mail a letter, if you notice, most people are compelled to place the postage stamp in an orderly upright manner. Are we afraid that placing the stamp in a diagonal diamond shape or upside down will somehow hamper the letter from being delivered? I mean, someone can still read the value of the stamp by simply turning their head or turning the letter. Do we think the postal workers will get annoyed at this unusual positioning, hold a grudge, and disrupt our future daily mail delivery? I think that's what it is. We're scared that the postperson will take it out on us by delivering only 3 of the 5 items of mail we were due (and a similar less than 100% of due items daily thereafter) and then we'll be late to respond to those "missing" items and we'll go into debt somehow, socially or financially, among other consequences. We'll be locked in our very own mail hell, or "mell". Is a trip to mell really worth it?

OK I'll come out and say it...it's become a part of human nature. Can you believe that? The little postage stamp has become a part of human evolution. Makes me wonder if Darwin ever used postage stamps. And if so...what was HIS post-licking stamp alignment?

I, for one, hope to someday live in a world where humans can rid themselves of this idio-T-syncracy.

So, how do YOU stamp? ...Comments welcome.

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Copyright 2006 by Chetan Davé ©, All Rights Reserved.

Big Meme's House

It's Meme Time! I was tagged by Kiss My Mike for the 5 Things Meme. So does that mean I'm your meme for a day? Oh dear, I've instantly been transformed into an 85 year old woman with frazzled gray hair, a wrinkled face, and swollen ankles sitting in a rocking chair turned backwards on my front porch. Hey, how do you pronounce meme? Anyway, buckle your seat belts kids, this is your meme speaking to you:

Instructions:

Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot, like so.

1) Overread
2) BrightStar
3) Seeking Solace
4) Kiss My Mike
5) Ultimate Writer

Next select five people to tag:

1) Mike Chau
2) Poor Peers Dynomite
3) JLB
4) Mr. Althouse
5) Golgotha_Tramp

What were you doing 10 years ago?
I was getting ready to work for the 1996 Atlanta Summer Olympics. That was a great experience. I got to enjoy all of the swimming, diving, water polo, and synchro swimming (my favorite) events. I was literally standing right outside the pool the whole time, but I kept my distance as I really don't like public pools, you all know what I'm talkin' about. My family back home said they saw me on some of the replays and other footage. I'm not an Olympic athlete, but I played one on TV for 2 weeks.

What were you doing 1 year ago?
I was knee deep in the research for my book, 'The 2012 Bid'. It was fun and I would do it again for an interesting project, but you do get to be more omnipotent writing fiction. That's the feeling we all want, isn't it?

Five snacks you enjoy:
1) Cashews
2) Corn
3) Cracker Jacks
4) Sugar cane cubes
5) Pomegranate

Five songs to which you know all the lyrics:
1) Desire (U2)
2) Crazy (Seal)
3) Wang Chung (Wang Chung)
4) Scooby Dooby Doo (Fred, Velma, & Daphne - sorry Shag you just ain't got the voice my man)
5) It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood (Mr. Rodgers, shoutout in tribute)

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:
1) Put all that money in front of a mirror so it would look like I had $2 million
2) Stash it between the insulation in the walls, after purchasing extra fire insurance of course.
3) Hold each and every bill up to the light so I could be as cool as the cashier.
4) Buy a farm so I wouldn't have to pay for food anymore.
5) Start my own country barring money totally and return to the barter system.
* In reality I would give to charity, what ...you don't believe me?

Five bad habits:
1) Drinking...too much Kool Aid
2) Smoking...banana peels
3) Drugs...Flintstone vitamins ARE technically drugs...yes they are...they are too...no YOU think before speaking!
4) Addictions...to unorganized sports such as ultimate frisbee and jai-lai
5) Too judgmental...always wanted to be a judge, but not mentally stable enough

Five things you like doing:
1) Riding the bumper cars early in the morning before all the other people arrive
2) Showing up on a golf course with a bag of croquet equipment
3) Pointing the hair dryer at the mirror to see how fast the steam/fog comes off
4) Window shopping...No, really. Shopping for new funky shaped windows.
5) NOT working for the MAN...Believe that, son!

Five things you would never wear again:
1) Cavariccis
2) Skidz
3) Cardigans
4) Reebok Pumps (Tennis Version)
5) Any pants that make more noise than my shoes

Five favorite toys:
1) Reversible microscope/telescope
2) Legoland Sputnik
3) Fireworks of any kind
4) Radio controlled diving bell
5) Unicycle with training wheels

Thoughts? Comments?

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Copyright 2006 by Chetan Davé ©, All Rights Reserved.