Keep At It

I've heard the expression 'Rome wasn't built in a day.' Sometimes people use this as a way to rationalize their procrastination. Maybe the phrase should go something like, 'Rome wasn't built in a day, but they sure as heck tried.'

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Eclipsed

What's the deal with sun ecplises? You can't look directly at it. Well, when I was a kid I remember looking straight into an uneclipsed sun many times just so I could close my eyes and see all the cool, multicolored spots on the inside of my eyelids. But I ate a lot of carrots too so I think that may have offset any eye damage. Anyway, if people have looked into the full, unobstructed sun why all the clamor over looking at it when it's mostly covered up?

I remember the sun eclipse being a big deal when I was in like sixth grade. Now it seems people don't take enough notice. There should be a marketing campaign including tour packages and ticket scalping for prime viewing areas (which is probably any area other than under a tree) to bring back the mystique and suspense surrounding the sun eclipse. I mean, it's the closest thing we have to an alien landing.

So close your eyes, hide the children, and run for the hills. Wait a second, don't run for the hills you can see it better from there. Try to find caves in those hills where you can ride it out. The sun eclipse is coming. (Insert Vincent Price's voice here) Moo hahahahahahahah.....

Also, it would be fun to have the plural of the word eclipse be eclipseseseseseseseses...

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Minibar Scam

The hotel in-room minibar to me
Is the biggest ripoff
This side of the Bering Sea
Where do they come off?

You give me a fridge
You put drinks in it
I'm in a thirst pinch
Do you expect me to just sit?

I think not
On the road more traveled
It hits the spot
Like rocks hit gravel

Yeah I'm thirsty
Yeah I'm gonna spend a gazillion bucks for a half a can of soda
Yeah beverages other than soda my tongue does find interesting
Yeah I'll give in to temptation like I did last year at the piercing pagoda (what? I don't wanna talk about it.)

If you place someone in a desert with no water
Which is what traveling alone is
Water will be the object of choice whether its cold or hotter
And if ya lose control in your room just for one night, it's nobody's biz

I say bag the minibar
And replace it with a real fridge
So I can place there cheap beverages that I bought with my car
That, my friends, is how I seek the penny pinching edge

Have a great weekend everybody!

Pizza Pizza

Pizza toppings that aren't that common but should be:

1. Cashews
2. Avocados
3. Ground up peanuts
4. Cabbage
5. Caviar
6. Habaneros
7. Carrots
8. Kidney Beans
9. Coconut
10. Celery

Feel free to comment on these or provide your own!

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9 Hour Photo

There are a few activities in life that you just can't do with another person. One of them is viewing photos. One person may tend to flip through them quickly while another may sit there and scrutinize the picture for like a full minute or something. The worst is when you get more than one person huddled around a computer screen to view online photos. "Wait, wait, keep it. I'm not sitting at a good angle. OK now go to the next one." ...Ugh. Spare me.

So what's your photo viewing speed? And are you proud of it?

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Wild On Saturn

So water has been found
On a moon that goes around
The planet Saturn
In a circular pattern

Water means there's life
An alien husband and wife
And 2.5 alien kids
Family income of 65K quid

Throw your hands in the air
And fix your gaze up there
You might see 'em gettin' crazy
Gettin' tipsy or even lazy

Starbucks and Mickey D's are on the way
The rocket's on the pad and it's leavin' today
Hear the college students call:
I'm goin' to Saturn for spring break Y'all!

27 meals served on the flight
At warp speed, that's 3 for every night
Cause there's no daylight in space
Insomniacs will fit right into place

Once over there,
Alien street vendors will braid your hair
Local delicacies abound
Like #@!$#@! and %*^%^ and other things you can't pronounce

The tiki bar's next to the water they found
Make intergalactic friends from the universe all around
Have fun, have a blast
If the aliens end up being hostile, it will be your last
(Don't say we didn't warn you...)

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Complex Tip Questions

Who decided that the standard tip percentage is 5%?

When was this decided? Because this my friends is an important historical date for waiters/waitresses and customers alike.

And while we're on the topic, why do some restaurants add in a gratuity of 13% or even 15% without consulting the customer?

What type of rating scale are they using when the word "gratuity", which has 5 more letters than the word "tip", automatically carries with it 8 to 10 more percentage points?

In that case I wish to leave an "a" at the end of my meal because it's the shortest word in the language and, correct me if I'm wrong, would allow me to leave just 1.25% of the total bill. Thank you.

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Check Please

10 things to say when someone takes you to a restaurant where there are no items on the menu that you actually feel like eating:

1. "It was....nice."
2. "Let's check out the drink menu."
3. "What soups do you have?"
4. "I'll take a salad."
5. "This is a great location for a restaurant."
6. "Must get really busy here around lunchtime."
7. "Someone was telling me they have great desserts here."
8. "I knew I shouldn't have had a big breakfast today."
9. "You ever get really...bad... gas?"
10. "I can't wait to come back here."

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Shy and Unfulfilled Friday...Shyday

The following is a poem maybe not of actual events, but actual moods which we all go through sometimes:

Light turns green and all seems well
And I should go
But pedestrian decides to cross illegal
Foot is left pressed on brake, and I spare his life pro bono

Hold door open for kindly old man
No thank you or kind word from portly him
He of the grouchy clan
He should be more polite and become slim

(What? It would be good for his health....see? There's nothing in it for me, I'm a humanitarian at the core)

Ask girl out for 29th time
She relents and kindly obliges (bless her)
But now I have hives
Why couldn't she just comply at the earlier stages?

(No, I really don't have hives but thanks for caring...)

I am not the only man
To attempt a perfect shave and repeatedly fail
I'm in the company of many a male peasant and sultan
To place on my head in shaving shame a metal pail

Time, time, time
I don't have enough of you
To learn 9 instruments including chimes
And learn one more language than all the ones Pope John Paul knew

So if we pass on the street again
And my visage falls blue
You'll know I want the week to end
Quietly and uneventfully with nothing to do.

Have a great weekend everybody. It took long enough to get here!

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On the Catwalk Yeah

I always wonder why runway models look so damn serious. I think it may have something to do with their accountant telling them that they're not getting a tax refund this year. You're single, you don't own a home, and although your aura outweighs your body, you can't claim it as a dependent. Sorry.

Loosen up, have a drink, go play some mini-golf.

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Sneeze Attack

I don't know about you, but I've never seen anyone sneeze during an Oscars acceptance speech. I can't recall seeing a sneeze during a political news conference either. Just once it would be OK to see a sneeze attack during an acceptance speech or major news conference.

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I Take It Back

Things that are out of place to say...but sometimes slip out

1. "Break a leg" to a doctor just before he/she performs hip surgery

2. "It's hot as hell in here" during church

3. "Be careful, he's got crabs" to a girl whose contemplating dating your friend, a marine biologist, with a nice collection of aquatic pets at home

4. "We may have some weed from France in our bags" to a customs officer who doesn't know about the night you had to spend in a farm in Avignon when you screwed up the hostel booking

5. "What are those old fogies doing here?" to a person who's hosting a party at their parents' home when their parents happen to walk through the room

6. "Get ready to swim with the fishes" at the starting line of a triathlon

7. "So, do you work out?" to a girl at a gym.

8. "We'd get there a lot faster if there weren't so many cabs clogging the streets" to an NYC cabbie while riding in a taxi cab

9. "Anybody got any bug spray?" in the insect house at the zoo

10. "With computers these days, any idiot could drive this ship huh?" to a cruise ship captain

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Here's to the Smoke Sniffer

The silent protector
The thankless job you do
Oh smoke detector
This tune goes out to you

Perched high above the room
In a corner unseen
The sentry of fiery doom
You're a master at blending in

I would forget you before long
If not for your unrelenting beep
With batteries almost gone
Your sole cry for upkeep

An act I undertake almost never
On the step ladder I rise
I open your cover
And gathered dust inundates my eyes

Am I an archaeologist?
No.
Yet I am still subjected to particle waste
Smothering my nose as about my job I go

Yes I sometimes scream
Your name in vain
When the pot lets off a little too much steam
And your warning shot causes human ears pain

But you have saved lives a many
And more to come for sure
Here's some appreciation instead of a penny
You're the one acquaintance who can't be shown the door

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And Then There Were Chairs

Here is an excerpt of a letter from the guy who invented the chair that he wrote to his brother the morning after:

"I finally did it. It took me many months of observing people sitting on boulders, tree stumps, and cliff ledges. From the beginning I had thought to myself 'There has to be a better way'. And alas, I have found one dear brother. No longer will man have to wade through the forest in search of that perfect parking space for their bum. People in barren prairies and valleys will be able to rest, propped up an arm's length and a half from the ground. No more squatting and therefore no more creaky knees. It stands yae high and is about as wide as mother's cutting board with four little pillars coming down from the base like little pig's legs which give it altitude. I shall call this device a chair, named for our grandfather Charles who, if you remember back to our days as tots, had spread the hair cut from his own head onto the stepping stool next to the furnace to reduce the gluteal friction while he sat down to smoke his pipe. Father had reminded him not to get too close to the coal burner right before he singed the knuckle hair off his left hand, but that is a blemish in our family's history we really don't need to get into right now. Anyway, I had thought of calling it Charleshair for a moment but I like the truncated version myself. By the way, could you please file a patent application for me? It's going to take me weeks to get out of this damn forest. Thanks."

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Red Light, Green Light

I always wondered if there was a standard time from when the yellow traffic light turned to red. I don't think there is. That leads to unfair traffic tickets. Also, there's no consistency in red lights either. I observed a red light at a local intersection for a few months and sometimes the wait was longer, other times shorter. I think some uniform timing would be helpful.

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