The Invisible Barcode Forcefield

I don't know why but every time I exit a store, I'm always hesitant that the tall as a man barcode checking invisible forcefield contraption is going to go off blaring air raid sirens throughout the building even if I've paid for my items. I mean, I have the bill, I can justify it all right. But it's the negative attention you draw and all those wary stares you get from the other customers, "Oooh look, a real live thief! Hope the police come and we get to see a bust!"

It's that type of jumping to conclusions that I want to avoid. You know you're never going to see any of these people ever again but somehow, no matter what age you are, you're still afraid that somebody's going to go tell your parents and you'll never hear the end of it.

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Copyright 2005 by Chetan Davé, All Rights Reserved.

Real Quotes

Here are some true quotes from former President Abraham Lincoln:

"My father taught me to work; he did not teach me to love it. "

"Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them."

"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"

"My experience has taught me that a man who has no vices has damned few virtues. "

"The best way to get a bad law repealed is to enforce it strictly. "

"How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg "

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Copyright 2005 by Chetan Davé, All Rights Reserved.

Guinness Anyone?

Many people wonder how to make a name for themselves. How to leave a legacy so to speak. One way is to set a Guinness World Record, if one's schedule allows. Here is a list of records that may or may not have been broken or recorded as yet:

1. Most consecutive days of eating pizza for dinner.
2. Most amount of time spent at the DMV in one 24 hour period (ties allowed).
3. Longest walk with one's dog WITHOUT having to use the pooper scooper.
4. Fastest typist of cellphone text messages (minimum 3 lines per message).
5. Fastest Taco Bell drive through order completion.
6. Most amount of times having consecutively renewed a library book.
7. Most traffic violations in one year without having added points to one's license.
8. Shortest amount of time employed by Wal Mart.
9. Lowest SAT score to gain entry into an Ivy League university
10. Fastest exit from a conversation one really doesn't want to be a part of.

Feel free to comment with any of your suggestions as well.

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Copyright 2005 by Chetan Davé, All Rights Reserved.

Global Warming?

It's 36 degrees Farenheit outside right now. Bright and sunny but cold as a meat locker. Forgive me but I'm not buying into the whole global warming thing just yet.

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Copyright 2005 by Chetan Davé, All Rights Reserved.

Thanksgiving Thoughts

Do they have football games every Thursday in Turkey?

The history books say the Pilgrims fled England to escape religious persecution, but I think they really left because they hated the food.

The first thing the English Pilgrims learned from the Native Americans was dental hygiene.

No. Austin Powers was NOT the guest of honor at the first Thanksgiving.

They've banned trombones from the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade because it resembles those funky Pilgrim rifles and firearms of any kind or era are so not PC these days.


Wish for the day:

People should not have to work on Thanksgiving. I mean nobody should be working on Thanksgiving. The only people who should be even on call should be the EMTs and even they should be sitting at home and bothered only if their emergency services are required. So, shut down the gas stations, close the stores, ground all the flights and lock the airport doors. There's no reason to be doing anything on Thanksgiving. Fuel your car up TODAY, take your flight TODAY, avoid shopping for one day, and just let the good folks of this land eat, drink , and be merry for one day out of the year. Happy Thanksgiving Everybody!

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Copyright 2005 by Chetan Davé, All Rights Reserved.

Use of the Word "Cadre"

WARNING: Reading this passage may cause some people (approximately 46.3% of the general population) to repeat the word cadre over and over again in their minds for approximately four days. If this condition persists for longer than four days, contact a physician.

I've been seeing the word cadre appear in newspapers and magazines more and more over the last year. "Cadre this", "Cadre that". We've all seen it. But do we really know what it means? In fact I see it in print media but rarely hear it on the television news. You know why that happens? Because we know how to write it but no one knows how to pronounce it. And I don't think anyone really knows how to use it in a sentence either so it's left up to interpretation and flexible use:

"Forgive me cadre, for I have sinned."
"Search for your inner self, your cadre."
"My favorite team is the San Diego Cadres."
"I have a whole cadre of medical problems."

SO for the benefit of the public (please, please, hold your applause till the end of the show) I searched the Merraim Webster Dictionary and unearthed the following vital stats on the word cadre:

Main Entry: cad·re
Pronunciation: 'ka-"drA, 'kä-, -drE; esp British 'kä-d&(r), 'kA-, -dr&
Function: noun
Etymology: French, from Italian quadro, from Latin quadrum square -- more at QUARREL
1 : FRAME, FRAMEWORK
2 : a nucleus or core group especially of trained personnel able to assume control and to train others; broadly : a group of people having some unifying relationship
3 : a cell of indoctrinated leaders active in promoting the interests of a revolutionary party
4 : a member of a cadre

There. That really clears things up, doesn't it?

All I have to say is I don't know much about the word....but I like it. Say it 3 times aloud and you'll feel better, more esteemed, more knowledgable. I must warn you though that once I heard it a few days ago I've been unsuccessfully trying to get it out of my head, similar to a song that loops in your mind for days on end. From my past experience this condition which I will proclaim cadreloopitis usually lasts for about four days. "Beware the Cadre".

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Copyright 2005 by Chetan Davé, All Rights Reserved.

Chetan's Holiday Shopping Tips

Do not get irritated if you're in the department store doing your holiday shopping and you come across one or more of the following situations:

1. At the register the person on line in front of you has to have a price check, so you switch to another register and there, the person in front of you has to have a price check also.

2. There's this item that would make a perfect gift for that special someone, only problem is, it's the last of its kind in the entire store so the box is half opened on one side, there's scratches on the plastic wrapping/covering so you know some curious shopper before you has gotten their mits on it and "tested it out" before taking the same item with the unintruded wrapping way at the back of the shelf. So you're stuck with buying the item not knowing if it's going to fall apart in 2 days.

3. If you have to use the bathroom bad but find out that the restrooms are for employees only and you revert to desecrating the cleaning supplies closet whose door has accidentally (or fortunately for you) been left slightly ajar.

4. If you see someone's child rolling around on the linoleum floor using the months old dust on the ground to make snow angles and you feel a compulsion to say something to the ever caring parent of this child but you remind yourself that you are living in a phobic, litigation-happy society where it's best not to get involved in others' family matters.

5. If you happen to go to one of the 3 remaining department stores in the world that do not have automatic doors and you smash right into the glass on your way in, taking an especially tight hit to your abdomen where the handle to manually pull open the door juts into your belly.

6. If you accidentally knock down some clothes as you burrow in between the racks and the store worker gives you a dirty look for not picking them up.

7. If, in your haste to depart the store after you have finally gotten through the cash register, you come across a slower shopper who is nudging his cart along still intently reading his bill to make sure he didn't get screwed out of 5 bucks while totally blocking the exit and you, in an attempt to pass him, smash into his cart, elbow, or both.

8. If you're in the car ready to pull out of the parking lot and some genius places their used shopping cart right in between your car and the car next to you so you can't reverse without hitting the cart.

9. If you feel the compulsion to sit on Santa's lap even though you are heavier than he is, please refrain. Santa possesses a very low strength to weight ratio. And both of you could end up getting arrested, it could get very ugly.

10. If, after you have braved the dangers of the department stores, shops, and malls, you hand someone a gift and they say thank you through gritted teeth and a forced smile...

(insert chorus of voices audio here) DO NOT GET IRRITATED!!!

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Shaving: The Forced Daily Addiction for the Male Human

Shaving, shaving
You visit me everyday
A man has to shave
To start his day

You annoy me shave
With your nicks and cuts
You crush my stubble
Like a cracker of nuts

I have green patches
Where once there was baby red
You forced me to addiction of the razor
Till the day I am dead

Shaving cream is your ugly accomplice
With white villanous foam and a furled brow
With so many synthetic chemicals seeping into my skin
I demand organic shaving cream now!

Fear lots shave
For I am hatching a plan
To advocate beard farming
In all the land!

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Mikey On the Spot

Too hilarious not to post this little item about my favorite superhero. Don't get me wrong, I like some of his music, I really do, but some of his real life antics are truly, what's the word I'm looking for?..... Unique.
_____________________________________
From the AP:

Michael Jackson has stirred a small controversy in the United Arab Emirates by entering the ladies room in a shopping mall.

The pop star's publicist said Jackson, who arrived in Dubai this week as the guest of a champion rally driver, did not understand the Arabic sign on the door and left the bathroom as soon as he realized his mistake.

In the statement released late Tuesday, Jackson's publicist, Raymond K. Bain said: "Upon his exit (from the ladies bathroom), he was recognized and a crowd ensued. He had to wait in a nearby bookstore until police arrived to escort him through the crowd."

But local newspapers reported that the 47-year-old performer did not quickly leave the bathroom and was spotted applying makeup before leaving.
_____________________________________

Hey, the fact that he actually brought makeup with him that he whipped out and started applying should rationalize his presence in a ladies room. And anyway, the ladies have nothing to worry about with the King of Pop. That's not his bag of chips.

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If I Were a Matador

Now I've heard that the bulls used in bullfighting are color-blind and only charge due to the bright red color of the cape held in front of them.

With that said, if I ever found myself in a bullfighting situation I would suit up in an Oakland Raiders uniform, hang out in the corner of the bullring and hope he wouldn't notice me.

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Of Crossing Guards and Lunch Monitors

Am I the only one who wonders what school crossing guards and lunch monitors do the OTHER 6 hours of the workday?

Let's take the crossing guard first. You're out there let's say 7 to 8am and then you have a roughly 6 hour coffee break until 3pm. That is not a bad deal. You can run a few errands, go to the post office maybe. It's great. And the really cool part is that you can wear that bright orange seat belt looking harness belt thingy all day if you want. You can walk right out in the middle of any road, put on those sparkling white butler gloves and totally stop traffic anytime you want.

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And the lunch monitor person (Lunch Lady is no longer P.C.) who walks around the lunch room (usually always hovering close to the garbage can for reasons I don't understand) with their arms folded smiling as if they're out for a walk in the park. They're probably thinking to themselves "Wow, I actually found a job where they pay me to just stand."

The only time they really do anything is if a fight breaks out and they have to call the security guard who (if you read yesterday's post you'll know) rolls in wielding the almighty walkie-talkie.

I can just picture a tense mood as the lunch monitors are walking out of the school (in slow motion the way I picture it) finished with their grueling 2 hour workday coming face to face with the crossing guards entering the school for their pre-guarding meeting, bathroom session, badge polishing or whatever they do to prep for their afternoon duty.

They shoot each other evil looks. The crossing guards are proud of the fact that they work a double shift. The lunch monitors are proud of the fact that they've achieved the right to work indoors. No words are exchanged. Both tribes continue on their path knowing that the entire school structure would break down without their brief but vital roles day in and day out.

Office Questions...

Overheard at the office recently:

1. Why are there always a handful of people at work who seem to care about the company as if their father owns it?

2. How do you expect me to not get lost in the building when no one escorts me to orientation on my first day?

3. What are security guards equipped to do in case there are intruders in the building, throw their walkie talkies at them?

4. Is dim fluroscent lighting really the best way to keep your employees alert and active?

5. What's the use of ID badges when there are no metal detectors or other advanced security devices to prevent contraband from entering the facility?

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6. Are they spiking the pasta in the cafeteria? Because I feel damn sleepy and way too relaxed after lunch.

7. How many associate directors can one department possibly have before the decision making process completely breaks down?

8. With "secretary" now considered a curse word in corporate settings, why stop at "administrative associate" when we can move straight to "telecommunications message technician"?

9. Can there please be a limit on the amount of times in a day the FedEx guy asks me to sign for someone else's package?

10. If I give my wife a cash gift, would the company be able to match that as well?

Jurassic Croc

By RANDOLPH E. SCHMID, AP Science Writer Thu Nov 10,10:28 PM ET

WASHINGTON - In the era when dinosaurs ruled the Jurassic earth, a 13-foot oceanic crocodile with a short snout and a mouthful of deadly teeth hunted large creatures in the sea, scientists reported Thursday.

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Nicknamed "Godzilla" by its discoverers, the new find was much different from other marine crocodiles, which had long snouts with many small teeth.

The discovery of the creature, given the scientific name Dakosaurus andiniensis, was reported Thursday in ScienceExpress, the online edition of the journal Science.

"This animal was one of the latest members of its family and certainly the most bizarre of all marine crocs," said Diego Pol of Ohio State University, one of the authors of the report.

Lead author Zulma Gasparini of Argentina's National University of La Plata said the "animal's anatomy is really a contrast with that of the other sea crocs that developed during the Jurassic," about 135 million years ago.

The long narrow snout and small teeth of most crocs indicate feeding on small prey, Pol said, while Dakosaurus' large serrated teeth indicate a carnivore that would have hunted large prey.

"This was a top predator that probably was 13 feet long and swam around using its jagged teeth to bite and cut its prey, like dinosaurs and other predatory reptiles did," Pol said.

Instead of legs, Dakosaurus had four paddle-like limbs and a vertically oriented, fishlike tail. Dakosaurus would have regularly surfaced to gasp oxygen and then could dive into the ocean.
"We are calling him the 'chico malo' — 'bad boy'" of the ocean, said Gasparini.

While Dakosaurus had been known from a few bone fragments previously, the new detail comes from a complete skull found in Argentina in 1996 and studied by Pol, Gasparini and colleagues. The area where it was found had been a deep tropical bay during the Jurassic period.

The world's relatively shallow seas between 230 million and 65 million years ago contained several large animals, such as the plesiosaur with a 20-foot neck and the giant ichthyosaurs that could be 75-feet long.

Le Carre King of Last Half Century

LONDON (Reuters) - Britain's crime writers' club on Tuesday awarded its "Dagger of Daggers" to John Le Carre, picking "The Spy Who Came In From The Cold" as their top book of the last 50 years.

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"I was most touched by this unexpected award, all the more so because it comes with the accolade of my fellow writers," Le Carre said after his 1963 novel fought off tough competition from such classics as Martin Cruz Smith's "Gorky Park."

But Le Carre, 74, did not attend the Golden Jubilee awards ceremony, explaining through his publisher "I am sorry that my excursions into a new novel prevent me from being present in person. But I thank you all most warmly."

Le Carre's latest novel "The Mission Song," which is set in London, Congo and Denmark, is to be published next September.

For their 2005 Dagger, the Crime Writers Association picked Icelandic writer Arnaldur Indridason for "Silence of the Grave."

Clearly overwhelmed, he told his fellow writers "I am speechless. I don't have a speech. I have only thanks."

Postcard Arrives 50 Years Late

STOCKHOLM (Reuters) - A Swedish postcard bearing a lottery number arrived 50 years after being sent to a retirement home on the Baltic island of Gotland.

The card to a former employee at the Avallegarden retirement home in Klintehamn was mailed by a friend in Finspang, some 150 kms (93 miles) away on the Swedish mainland. Sent in October 1955, it arrived last month.

"Now and again a letter that has gone astray like this surfaces somewhere ... but it is very unusual," Swedish Post Office spokesman Markus Trautmann said on Monday.

The postcard included the number of a lottery ticket that the two women bought together, local paper newspaper Gotlands Allehanda reported. It was not known if they won.

New Nominee for Supreme Court

So what's all the commotion about picking a new Supreme Court nominee? We propose to nominate Stanley Richfield from Columbus, Ohio. Stanley spent 42 years as a machinist in a local mechanical parts factory. He has absolutely no judicial experience other than posing for this rather artistic photograph. But why should that matter?

There should be one seat on the Supreme Court reserved for an everyday Joe such as Stan here. I mean, the decisions have to be majority anyway so what's one vote this way or that way? Stan won't adversely effect any major decisions, he'll just provide a voice for the common man. How harmful could that be? Now we must warn you that he does get loud sometimes, especially when he doesn't get his Ginger Ale on time and we apologize for that in advance. Ginger Ale not withstanding, I wouldn't mind reading the transcripts of Stan's opinion on the wide variety of issues the Court processes every year. Would you?